For Those Who Don't Know | Giftie Etcetera: For Those Who Don't Know

Saturday, December 1, 2007

For Those Who Don't Know

I had a miscarriage yesterday, at 8 1/2 weeks. Some of you didn't even know I was pregnant yet, because we were waiting on a heartbeat. We never got one. The baby never developed, so yesterday I had a surgery to remove the pregnancy, since the sac kept growing and growing and making me pregnant and sick, but with no baby inside.

So many of my friends have gone through this, and often I didn't know until much later in their lives. I've decided to actively tell people instead. That way, if someone else goes through it in the future, they will know that I understand and they can come to me to talk.

Physically, the recovery is much easier than any recovery from surgery I've ever had. Emotionally, this is probably the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I've known since Monday that the pregnancy was in trouble, so it's not like yesterday was a shock. But I'm not sure I'll ever get used to this.

A huge downfall of actually believing the life begins at conception means that I believe that even if no cells ever divided (the scientific reality is that a few cells probably divided, and then they stopped because of a chromosonal problem), there was a new life inside of me. On one hand, I thought my belief of life at conception was basically a religious teaching that I had accepted, but I realize now that I have absolute, 100% belief in life at conception.

I'm still pro-choice. I'm actually more pro-choice now, because I know better now that conception issues are so sticky that I believe the mom, dad, religious advisors, and medical professions need to make the decisions. For example, my doctor was able to assure me that he was 100% certain that there was no live or viable baby, nor was there a possibility of one. My sac was easy to see and rather large, so it was clear that it was empty. My numbers were extremely low. That made a D&C (the surgery that removes the pregnancy) much easier to accept.

But for a rare minority of women, their is a minute chance of viability, and what do they do? It's easy for me. If the baby isn't clearly dead already, I would not have a D&C. But what if you believe the baby is dead, but maybe won't ever get proof, because your pregnancy sac is hard to see. How long do you wait? What if you start to get an infection? Should a woman be forced to miscarry into a toilet, just because science isn't advanced enough yet to decide if the never-happened-before miracle will happen today? I just don't want to government making those decisions. Let the woman, and her husband, and the doctors, and the Church, and her heart, make those decisions. The government cannot mandate life. Life has to come from the soul.

Also, I've noticed a lot of people telling Alan to go support his wife. He is supporting me. He is amazing. But what about him? Why do so many well-meaning people forget that Daddy lost a baby, too? It's not fair the way we treat men in society. It's not fair that we minimize the role of Daddy. We don't minimize it in my household, and I hope that is an example to the rest of the world. But what I've seen, especially when people find out that Alan does the childcare or is upset over the miscarriage, is that men are just expected to be in a support role for parenting, and that is not fair.

Etcetera.

14 comments:

Spicy CPA Frog! said...

Again, I'm so sorry!! My prayers are with you and Alan! If you need anything, please let me know!!!

StephaniT said...

Sorry to hear that Kristy (and Alan). I was thinking about ya'll Tuesday when I ran into an old friend at the airport. Ya'll are in my thoughts and prayers.

StephaniT said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beorn said...

I am SO sorry to hear this news. Please know that my thoughts are truly with both of you right now; I won't call, as I'm sure you've had a lot of that sort of thing, but please let me know if either of you need anything at all.

Dave

Rachel said...

I am very sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

Kristy and Alan,
I am so sorry for your loss and my thoughts are with you. I am here for both of you. You guys are great parents and Ander and any future children you have are lucky to have the two of you. Ya'll will get through this; it will be hard, but you will.
Love, Beth

Gretchen said...

Oh my, I sorry, for both of you.

Stac Cole said...

Everything happens for a reason and I am sure that God had his reasons, even though they probably aren't very clear right now. Hang in there and just know that y'all have a huge support system behind you. If you need anything then just let me know!

LisaW said...

Oh, Kristy. I'm so sorry to hear this. Please know that you, Alan, and Ander are in my thoughts and prayers.

I went through this between Chip & Thomas. I don't think you ever get over it, but you do get past it.

Miss-buggy said...

you are right Kristy. Alan lost a baby too. HUGS to both of you. I believe in life at conception too and what you have gone through must have been so hard and to tell you the truth, it is something I don't want to ever experience.
Praying for you and your family. You are a great mom and Alan is a great support to you and an awesome Daddy. Many blessings to you both. HUGS

Mathochist said...

This totally sucks! I am so sorry y'all had to go through it!

I would prefer to m/c in the comfort and privacy of my own home. They missed some tissue with my D&C (2nd m/c, Dec 03/Jan 04) and it left me debilitatigly depressed for over a month. I wanted to be dead but (LUCKILY) was too depressed to get out of bed and do anything about it. Strangely, the day before the rest of it finally passed, I was suddenly able to function as a human being. (I was still depressed, but vastly less so than I had been.)

I have had (online) friends in that situation, and worse - where the doc suspected and ectopic but couldn't find the sac anywhere. They had their HCG levels checked once or twice a week for over a month before going through with the D&C, or in the case of suspected ectopic, taking the pill to dissolve the pregnancy.

I have to say, I am taken aback that you think it's OK for people to choose to murder their own children.

Mommy to Ander and Wife to Box said...

"I have to say, I am taken aback that you think it's OK for people to choose to murder their own children." -pp

I didn't say that I think it's okay for people to murder their children, nor do I think it's OK for people to choose to murder their own children. Just to be clear, since that response twisted my words and took them out of context.

Mathochist said...

Sorry if I offended or upset you. I wasn't trying to twist any words... Isn't that what it means to be pro-choice?

"I didn't say that I think it's okay for people to murder their children, nor do I think it's OK for people to choose to murder their own children." Then why do you consider yourself pro-choice? (I am genuinely confused...)

Anonymous said...

Kristy,
I'm really sorry for you loss, I wasn't aware until happening upon one of your posts. I'll definitely keep you and Alan in my thoughts. Wishing you the best.

-A PW friend.