Dividing Parenting Duties Fairly

As my family was getting dressed to leave the house for a playdate, my husband urged me to go ahead and get dressed.

"I'll take care of the kids," he said.

Free Wish List Printable - Ways to Use It

I have a big announcement to make! 

I've teamed up with Becky at Planner Fun to offer FREE printables for your personal use a few times in the upcoming year.

Planner Fun will supply the downloadable, printable pages, and Giftie Etcetera will teach you new ways to use them.

What to Buy Your Husband for Christmas

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So many of my friends are asking what to buy husbands for Christmas? What gift should I get my husband? Is there a gift guide for husbands?

The "Almost" Perfect Husband

One of my personal favorite posts of all time is about how to live with people who are not planners by nature.

You can read that Sunday Flashback post HERE.

I still love my husband.

I still wish he'd get on the planner bandwagon.

Feel free to encourage him in the comments.

Etcetera.

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Arriving Home With Kids Without Losing My Sanity

I swear that walking in the door after school sometimes feels soul-crushing. 

To my credit, no family members were harmed in the making of this blog post.

Admittedly, their lives were saved only because I showed a superhuman level of restraint.

(Seriously, y'all. Superhuman. Also, ignore the unmade bed in the photo. Just keeping it real for my Loyal Readers!)

After school, the kids need a snack, to finish homework, to do chores, and to get ready for any evening activities. My husband has one or two outfits that must go in the laundry most days. I have to start dinner, finish up my own work (interrupted by a 2:30 carpool pick-up), and sign all the school paperwork.

I do have a few tricks up my sleeve, though, and when I use them consistently, the witching hour goes much smoother.

Let them eat cake.

If there is one time when a bit of junk food is allowed (in limited quantities, of course), it's right after school. The kids need the energy and it gives them a few minutes to transition from school to home.

Those minutes of snack time give us a chance to sit down and discuss their day. That is so important to them and to me.

Divide and conquer.

My husband and I have different responsibilities during this part of the day, and we try to keep them pretty consistent. He helps with math and calls out spelling words. I deal with timers (for the timer-motivated kid), writing, and consequences. He throws in laundry. I start supper and process paperwork.

We are all working, but we are all working separately. It seems more fair when mom and dad are clearly doing "homework," too.

Have a checklist.

Each afternoon, the kids have a simple checklist to complete. They actually check off stuff as it gets done, and give it to me to approve before they can play.

Snack, give mom red folder to process, homework, pack lunch, red folder/homework/lunch back into school bag, water bottle and lunch box filled and to fridge.

Only politely-requested and limited homework assistance allowed.

Each kid is responsible for his own homework, even my second grader. He checks his homework planner. He does the tasks. He checks them off.

If a kid needs help, he must 1) try first and 2) ask politely.

Even then, I don't even give the answer. I will read a word or reexplain a concept, but they must try, even if they get the wrong answer. I also leave wrong answers on the page, even if we work the correct answer next to it, so teachers can see their struggles.

The biggest advantage of this is that I can process their red "take home" folders, chop some veggies for dinner, pay bills, or check my e-mail until they need me for something.

Be consistent, unless a change is needed.

Every now and then, especially if they had a particularly tough day or more homework than usual, we stop at a library or coffee shop and work there. Sometimes, that's just the thing they need to cope.

Otherwise, we all sit around the kitchen table. The television is off and we give each other the respect of quiet voices.

Don't expect perfection.

After school and work, everyone is tired. This is really just the "get through it and move on" part of the day. Save thinking for the mornings or after dinner!

I hope some of this helps you get through the afternoons and early evenings without too much angst.

The Loki was not posing for this picture, by the way. He actually fell asleep mid-homework!

Etcetera.

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The Purse Commandments

***This post may contain affiliate links. These links help you find the items that I use in my planner and financially support this blog. See my "Disclaimer" link for additional details.***

I am a one planner lady. Having one place for all my information keeps my life orderly and sane. But bags are a completely different matter. 

I have tons of bags - purses, crossovers, totes. If it is functional, I have it.

I'm not one of those women who change my bag to go with my outfit. Instead, I change my bag to go with my errands.

That makes perfect sense, right?

Why Wedding Vows Matter

Something horrible happened yesterday. My husband betrayed me!

I'm certain that once you read my story, you will agree that he was WRONG WRONG WRONG.

You see, he wrote IN MY PLANNER.

Right there, in the red circle.

We were working on the vacation plan. He read his checklist. If it wasn't in my planner, I scheduled it.

The whole time, I reminded him not to write in my planner. I added anything that he requested, with my trusty eraserable Frixion pen.

At the end, he asked to just look over the list. I handed him my planner.

After all, I trust the man. I love him. He would never betray me.

Hmmph. Apparently, he would! He picked up a BIC ink pen, read "shave legs," and wrote, "oh la la!" It's right there, in non-erasable ink.

I freaked out.

He laughed and said, "but now you have an easy blog post."

Y'all, he is so lucky that we promised to love, honor, and respect each other. That vow saved his marriage. In fact, it might just have saved his life!

Etcetera.

Partied at: Think Tank Thursday, Showcase Your Talent Thursday, Idea Box Thursday

How to Handle a Change of Plans

My husband and I are working on a vacation itinerary. He created one on an Excel spreadsheet (because that's his thing) and gave it to me to review/veto/give input. I put it in Google Calendar, because I need to see the hours spread out on a schedule.

We talked about spending two nights in Denver instead of some other smaller town since the rest of the trip is with family in a smaller town or in the mountains. Also, Denver puts us one hour closer to our final destination, and, on the day we drive to our final destination, we have an early appointment.

He agreed that Denver sounded best (with no debate or anything - it just made sense), so I made the change on Google Calendar and emailed him.

He updated the itinerary. Rather, he SAID he did. He did not change the two days to Denver, because he "couldn't figure out why I did that." 

Seriously, y'all, even though he is COMPLETELY on board with Denver, he keeps FORGETTING the discussion. He is not senile. He has ALWAYS been like this.

Once he sees a path or plan, he cannot deviate from the plan at all.

For example, he takes the same route to work everyday. He knows all the other routes, but if there is an accident or he needs to run an errand, he NEVER deviates from the route. He sits in stopped traffic or he runs the errand and returns to the route, even though it's faster to just drive from the errand to home!

Or he will plan dinner of meatloaf and roasted veggies. If he finds out that I found ribeyes on sale, he still wants to eat the meatloaf and veggies. He cannot deviate from the plan. Show up at a restaurant with a 45 minute wait? He can't leave the restaurant.

That's weird, right?

I think a real part of his problem is a lack of a day planner.

Paper planners force you to train your brain to remember details and make decisions.

TIP: Write things down, even if it seems like you will remember.

When I decided on Denver with him, I wrote it down. That act sealed the idea of Denver in my mind. Later, when I saw the note, it triggered my memory of the discussion.

He only passively listened. My arguments made sense, so without any angst or memory-creating tension, he agreed.

When I entered Denver, I also made a note to check hotel locations and leisure activities.

He didn't take that step.

Once again, the memory was strengthened in my brain, and in writing, and not in his.

I also am used to deciding between several options. My planner only has so much space. I have to be aware of what I am planning to do, but willing to change the plans if things don't fit. I practice that skill.

He doesn't.

TIP: Don't be afraid to change course if something isn't working.

Finally, I make decisions quickly. I have to, in order to put them in my planner. If circumstances change, I change my mind.

He takes his time deciding stuff, but by the time he is done deciding, he is pretty stuck to that point of view.

TIP: Go ahead and make a decision. You aren't stuck with it forever!

All my planning makes it easier for me to handle a change of plans.

Now, if I could just get my husband on board.

Etcetera.

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Chic on a Shoestring

A Case for Not Canceling the Duggar Ladies

In light of the revelation that the oldest Duggar, as a teenager, committed inappropriate and illegal acts against five girls, TLC elected to cancel the show 19 Kids and Counting.

I was a huge fan of the show.

Now, I am not the kind of Christian depicted in the show. In fact, I found a lot of the show offensive.

I worried about the idea of courting instead of dating. (To me, courting seems more like an arranged marriage, while dating seems more self-selected.) I have no issues with big families, but 19 seems enough to risk the life of mom and new babies. Also with 19 kids, there just isn't any way to give any child enough attention. I worried about the females. I wondered what kind of abuse any of the children would face if they were gay or lesbian. Would there be a shunning? Would they be forced to hide or lie? Would the kids ever learn science?

But I love my anthropology classes in college, and for me, watching the Duggars was a form of education. I tried to understand people who were very different from me. In addition, as a productivity blogger, how the household was organized was fascinating. The social makeup of the families' mini-society was intriguing.

But I a pro-equality for women and I am profoundly against child abuse and neglect.

Even putting aside the teenage male's actions (which were not okay, just to say it explicitly), I couldn't disagree with the cancellation of the show. Just cutting the offender from the show would not be enough. After all, the parents did NOT stop the offender from contact with the victims.

The parents were adults when the offenses happened. They were in charge. Once they found out about the abuse, it was neglect to NOT keep the offender away from the females in the household.

So, for several days, I said nothing.

But something was nagging me.

No, I did not think that because they were Christian and forgiven by God (assuming, for argument's sake, that they were forgiven) that viewers should forgive them. My children watched that show (albeit with mom whispering, "no, Ander, sex is not like putting together Legos" and "no, Loki, they are wrong about when the Earth was created"). They hid this criminal activity from me, and my children now want to know why this is in the media all the time. What do I say? "These nice looking people are monsters?" My children would never trust again.

No, I did not think that the parents were innocent. If anything, a 14 year old can, understandably, do really stupid stuff. At 14, stupid is kind of the norm. The parents were the ones who failed to take appropriate action (which, for me, means a minimum of NOT ALLOWING CONTACT WITH THE VICTIMS).

But what about the victims?

It is reasonable to assume that the female Duggars got paid a lot per episode. 19 Kids was their job. Those weddings and childbirths were filmed with compensation.

That's right. TLC canceled the employment of the innocent victims.

How is that okay?

Did they get a choice in the matter? Did the young ladies get to decide if they wanted to continue with the show? Did TLC continue to pay the victims, even if they stopped filming?

I don't know those answers.

But I certainly hope the offense against these young women was not compounded by them losing their jobs for having been harmed.

TLC could do a spin-off with the women featured (other than the mom, who had an obligation to protect her daughters). That seems much more reasonable than taking away the employment of the victims for the offense of being molested, doesn't it?

Etcetera.

Linked at:

Housekeeping Wars: The Confession

My husband and I have been together for over two decades.

We never lived together before we got married, but we had apartments next door to each other.

It should not have been shocking that I NEVER make my bed.

But every night, like clockwork, he makes the bed to military precision. He tucks in every corner. He fluffs and straightens the pillows.

Then I climb into bed, fold my pillow, yank the covers and sheets out of the corners, and burrito my body into the comforter.

He frowns.

You can see my usual response.

We do agree on one or two aspects of housekeeping. For example, we both happen to be over-the-roll people.

Except one night, about a month ago, I was sick. I stumbled to the bathroom, and while there, had to replace the roll. I must have put it upside down.

The next morning, my beloved came storming out of the restroom, shouting, "ARE YOU PUNKING ME?"

I laughed so hard! He did not seem amused.

A couple of times, he told me that I didn't load the dishwasher correctly. I responded exactly as you might guess.

I no longer load the dishwasher.

For me, the housekeeping wars are not a big deal. They are more of a gentle sparring match, which ends with me not doing the dishes.

For him, I suspect, they are an oppressive nightmare that must be tolerated in order to live with me.

Maybe this attitude is why my roommates could never stand living with me for very long? 

Etcetera.

Partied at: Home Matters

People Who Don't Plan And How To Live With Them

***This post may contain affiliate links. These links help you find the items that I use in my planner and financially support this blog. See my "Disclaimer" link for additional details.***

There are things that you should discover before you marry someone. For example, on my wedding day back in 1996, I believed the following about my husband:

1. He was a friendly, outgoing guy.

2. He had a surgery as a young child to remove a vestigial tail that he was born with. (Yes, I believed it enough that I learned proper use of the word vestigial.)

3. He was organized.

The horrible, mind-boggling truth:

1. He was the president of chess club in middle school so that he didn't have to socialize at recess. His favorite activity in high school? Playing role-playing games. (I had to look that up just as much as I had to look up vestigial.) He was a complete introvert, who pretended to be outgoing later in life (from 11th grade onward) so he could meet girls.

2. THE TAIL THING WAS A LIE!!! Can you believe that?!? I know, right?!?

When we were first dating, I found a little indention on his lower back. He told me the story of the surgery where the tail was removed.

THAT LYING LIAR CLAIMS THAT HE THOUGHT I KNEW HE WAS JOKING ABOUT IT! (That was completely worthy of all caps, right?)

One day, after we were married, I was telling someone the story when he looked at ME, as if I was the CRAZY ONE, and told me that he thought I knew he was joking - and had thought that for years. Then he laughed and laughed.

I still have received neither the apology chocolates nor the apology jewels that I so rightly deserve.

3. He is NOT organized. He is ex-military, so he always made his bed and kept things pretty clean (fooling me), but he can't keep up with a schedule or to do list to save his life. He can't remember when he has meetings, parties (although, on consideration, he could be lying and just avoiding those), or things to do. He is the king of procrastination.

This is the part of the blog where I give you sage advice about:

*putting things on a family planner,

*having weekly meeting to remind the family what is on the agenda,

*emailing dates/times to the offender in advance for those moments when they claim "you never told me," 

*giving them a lovely, simple planner for Christmas, and

*teaching them how to plan.

Don't even bother with those last two! You will drive yourself crazy. And you will drive them crazy. Two crazy people do not make a nice relationship.

Nonplanners are hard-wired that way. You cannot expect them to change. 

Instead, change you. Change the way that you react.

1. Be willing to be the family secretary. 

I believe in fairness and equality in a marriage, so I assign them something I HATE to do. They clean the toilets or do the dusting or do whatever chore you hate, when asked (not later, because they don't plan, remember) in exchange for you taking over the family social calendar. If you can peacefully agree to this, in advance, it will save much heartache.

2. Let others know you are the planner in the family.

One of my friends, B, will call my house to make plans. If my husband (who is also a horrible phone communicator) answers, she waits patiently for him to hand me the phone. She used to ask, "is Kristy there?" but stopped, because he would answer with "yes" and silence.

3. Understand that they will NOT remember birthdays, anniversaries, and other important occasions and plan accordingly.

To be fair, my husband has an incredible memory for occasions. But for your husband or wife...

Yes, that means you should go ahead and put in your Filofax order for Christmas right now...and let the nonplanner know how much you are going to appreciate that new, buttery leather.

Good luck. I know how important your planner is, but remember that they may not understand. Be patient. They do have some other good qualities. Probably.

Etcetera.

Why I Write It Down

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"Why don't you just use your phone?"

"Are you really going to write that down?"

"What do you need that for?"

I know! I am just as rude and judgmental as the well-meaner, right? 

Writing it down is my coping mechanism. 

It's my cafe' au lait, my blackberry wine, my slow dance. 

Someone who lacks that understanding is as foreign to me as a human being who does not need oxygen. 

I've had periods in my life when I did not use a planner. For a while, I used a Palm Pilot. I owned a blackberry and a laptop and Outlook. I still own an Android phone, which serves as a useful coupon source, alarm, and address book. 

But when I reflect back at the darkest, most stressful parts of my life, they happened when I tried to rely only on technology. It sounds exaggerated and insane, but there it is. The truth. 

I need paper.

The moment something occurs to me, I can open my planner and jot it on the capture page.

I can manage my obligations (and my stress level) by making sure my appointments are not too numerous and demanding. 

If I need to think something out, I have a place to do so. I never lose those thoughts. I do not have to rethink them or, more likely, dwell.

Things that have to get done? They happen. Or I make a conscious decision not to do them. 

But I ultimately have the power to decide what goes on the weekly pages - my task list.

When the tasks are done, I can play. I can sip pina coladas on the beach, holding my husband's hand, knowing things won't fall apart. That kind of calm is inspiring.

Maybe, next time I hear the criticisms, I'll just sip my coffee and smile. Cheers.

Etcetera.

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