A Year Ago | Giftie Etcetera: A Year Ago

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

A Year Ago

Midmorning, a year ago, my ultrasound showed an empty sac. It seems forever ago. And it seems like yesterday.

The feelings you have when a baby is born who couldn't have existed without another baby not surviving are strange. Loki is here because that baby is not. Yesterday, I did a case involving a baby born last July, when Grace Pax (our lost angel) would have been born. I wouldn't trade Loki for anything. But that doesn't stop my mind from playing "what if." I know I'd be sadder if Loki wasn't here, but I feel guilty for feeling okay (still sad, but okay) because he is, since he only exists because that baby isn't here.

I'll hug my babies a little tighter today. Do me a favor and go hug a little one for me today, okay?

Etcetera.

3 comments:

Gretchen said...

That is not a grief I have experianced myself, but hang in there, and hug Loki.

I am also a child that wouldn't be here, if the first pregnancy hadn't failed.)

Sebastian and Soraya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mathochist said...

(Know I'm way late, but) I can relate to every thing you said here. I wouldn't trade Sam for anything, but I still think about that baby whose sac was empty and deteriorating exactly 1 year before his birth. Hugs.