In Pursuit of Imperfection | Giftie Etcetera: In Pursuit of Imperfection

Saturday, June 11, 2016

In Pursuit of Imperfection

It's been a rough month for me.

perfect, planner, grandmother, death, organized

My child has been hospitalized twice for seizures. I was hospitalized once with strep throat and exhaustion. My husband is working overtime most days.

Things were almost back to normal when we got that dreaded phone call.

Grandmother, my last surviving grandparent, had a stroke.

We spent three days at the hospital, where she died peacefully in her sleep.

I thought I had my life together. After all, I use a planner and keep up with appointments and deadlines. I have emergency bags packed for the hospital. My house is fairly orderly.

No. I was wrong. I do not have things together.

Between all the hospital visits, we have rotten food in the fridge, every bit of counter space in the house is piled high with stuff, and I almost missed several appointments.

I look at my planner daily but then have to call someone and ask what day it is so I know which day to look at on my calendar.

I'm tired, emotionally drained, and terrified of the way my epilepsy kid is acting.

All of this stress came together yesterday when I was to do a Bible reading at Grandmother's funeral. It was from the Book of Wisdom. I pre-read it and it was an easy reading.

I walked up to the podium and opened the marked page. I checked that it was from the Book of Wisdom, and started reading.

About 20 seconds in, I knew I had messed up and read the wrong thing. The passage was not the beautiful one that my aunt had chosen, but one with a different message.

Each of you is a planner person, so you probably are a perfectionist. It's in our nature. 

You can imagine my horror at reading the wrong thing.

But I powered through and sat down in the pews of the church.

I should have been full of anxiety. I should have freaked out over making a mistake. That's what I normally do if I am less than perfect.

Instead, I decided that God or the universe or even my subconscious wanted me to make that mistake. The reading was the one that needed to be read in that moment. 

I needed to make that mistake in front of everybody. I needed to be imperfect. 

I keep imagining my grandmother saying, "it's okay, Kris. Nobody will notice." I can hear her voice, as clear as if she were sitting next to me.

Only a couple of people even knew and they were gracious about it. 

I realized that I can't be perfect all the time.

Sometimes, I just need to be good enough.


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Unknown said...

so sorry for your loss. Obviously that was the passage that was meant to be. Don't forget your own self-care; to quote "you can't pour from an empty cup".

Christine Cortese said...

I'm so sorry that you lost your grandmother and are having so much trouble with Loki's epilepsy. It's lousy all around. I pray that you find the right medications and/or treatments for him. This just keeps planning in perspective; it's not a magic sword to cut through all suffering. But it's a good tool. Sometimes life just overwhelms any tools we have to deal with it. Best wishes for a better time ahead.

Tracy said...

I am so terribly sorry for your loss! Losing a grandparent is never ever easy - no matter what age! And, while no timing would be a good time, right now you have had a lot on your plate. I am glad that you are giving yourself the grace to forgive yourself for your imperfections. I truly hope that the worse of 2016 is behind you and your family. Hugs!

Nana said...

Oh my dear, I am so sorry for all your losses with the passing, your dear child and of course your illness. God does not expect us to be perfect just to rely on him to guide us along. Prayers and hugs are coming your way.

Mary Wimbley said...

You might be tired of hearing "sorry for your loss" by now, so I'll just say I've been there. I know exactly how it feels to not have it all together. You're not alone. Ironically enough, my perfectionism has been kicking in as I was trying to write this comment--while dealing with my son talking in my ear and wrecking my concentration. Trying to find the right words to say without sounding like an idiot or like I don't really care. It really helps to know we don't have to be perfect all the time. Now if I can just convince that perfectionist in me...easier said than done. Hope this makes at least a little sense.

Jaime Barfield said...

I am sorry for the struggles you are facing at this time. I know it is easy to feel down because things are not getting done, but remember this. Even the strongest person must rest sometimes. I think you are an amazing person, all that you accomplish. I read your blog sometimes and ask myself "How does she do that? How does she manage?" It is okay to sit down and breathe and remind yourself that you need rest too, that you need to be imperfect sometimes.

Angie Kay said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, and all that you have been going through! And thank you for sharing here - a good message for us perfectionists! Take care :)

Angie Kay said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, and all that you have been going through! And thank you for sharing here - a good message for us perfectionists! Take care :)