In junior high, I was invited to a party by the most popular girl in the class. I still remember that party. I barely knew anyone, but it was the party of the year, so I went anyway. Everyone was polite. All the cute kids said hello.
Then they moved on and I stood in the corner and no one talked to me and it was a nightmare.
Last night was NOT like that.
Last night, I went to a party where I didn't think I would know very many people. I knew the host, casually, because I had worked with her at a previous job. She was friends with my boss, so was ocassionally around. I had read the LSMSA Reunion website postings of many of the guests. I had even gone to school with some of the guests, though I probably never spoke to most of them during high school. (I'm not a snob. Not at all. These people were cool, and intimidating, and smart...I was too shy to talk to such shiny people.)
Turns out, I knew more people than I expected.
Turns out, the people I didn't know WERE shiny...and wonderful...and interesting.
Turns out, I got to see Nae Nae kiss Nolan. (If only you knew the very very very very very straight Nolan...LOL...)
Turns out, the internet people are cool and sweet and made me feel, well, popular.
Turns out, gifties (including those of you who left early from Natchitoches, kicking and screaming or otherwise ;)) are even cooler than I thought.
Thank you, Shannon, for the opportunity to met these wonderful people. Thank you, Dixon, for teaching Ander to crawl through the doggy door. And thank you, gifties, for sharing a bit of yourselves with me last night.
I regret the times when I didn't have time to talk enough with the people there. I regret not getting a sitter for Ander so I could socialize more. I regret all the food I ate (ick this morning).
But I don't regret getting over my silly junior high nervousness and putting on jeans and going to the party of the year. Same time next year?
Etcetera.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Problem Areas in Each Room
Living room: the computer table, over the tv, and my end table
Kitchen: my medicine/reciept drawer
Baby's room: crib filled with gifts
Guest bathroom: needs toilet paper
Ander's room: the white drawers need cleaning out
My bedroom: there's a pile of crap next to my bed to be put away that has been there over a year
My bathroom: the tub is gross
The sad thing is that these are ALWAYS the problem areas. Why don't I just buy an extra package of toilet paper for the guest bathroom? What makes me wipe down my kitchen counter everytime I nuke something, but never wipe down the bathtub? How come I reorganized my purse once a month, but never go ahead and put away the small nox of stuff next to my bed? I just hate these areas, and there is no explanation for my weirdness.
But now I've written them down, so I'll tackle them, one at a time.
Etcetera.
Kitchen: my medicine/reciept drawer
Baby's room: crib filled with gifts
Guest bathroom: needs toilet paper
Ander's room: the white drawers need cleaning out
My bedroom: there's a pile of crap next to my bed to be put away that has been there over a year
My bathroom: the tub is gross
The sad thing is that these are ALWAYS the problem areas. Why don't I just buy an extra package of toilet paper for the guest bathroom? What makes me wipe down my kitchen counter everytime I nuke something, but never wipe down the bathtub? How come I reorganized my purse once a month, but never go ahead and put away the small nox of stuff next to my bed? I just hate these areas, and there is no explanation for my weirdness.
But now I've written them down, so I'll tackle them, one at a time.
Etcetera.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Defending The Mommies
When I decided not to breastfeed Ander, I heard some criticism. I was surprised, frankly. Most of the women I know bottlefeed. Plus, I had real medical reasons - serious ones - that made bottlefeeding a real necessity. As subtle and not-so-subtle little "breast is best" comments started flooding in, I developed my own philosophy. Breast is best, except when it isn't.
In my mind, "when it isn't" was a fairly limited category. I had a very serious infection and the doctor could not rule out breast cancer. I had a heart problem. I was unable to gain weight, even during pregnancy, and my body was literally fading away. "When it isn't" was clearly the category I fell into. I was annoyed by the "breast is best" campaign, because I felt like it marginalized women who truly should choose either donated breastmilk (which is expensive, difficult to get, and fraught with it's own set of potential costs and complications) or formula. Personally, I did not feel guilty. I made the best choice for my baby and my family. But I did feel like others either wanted to guilt me into breastfeeding or expected me to feel guilty because I was making what they would consider was the wrong choice. It's annoying when you think others, including real people, medical professions, the government with it's breastfeeding campaigns, and perfect strangers, are trying to guilt you into a particular position. Even if you don't feel guilty yourself, it's easy to get fed up with the whole thing.
Now I'm on the other side. I'm nursing my baby. I'm doing what is said to be "best." I'm following medical and government recommendations. You would think the "breast is best" campaign would make me feel empowered.
You would be wrong. :)
Actually, it makes me MAD this time (as opposed to the itty little annoyed of last time).
I've read the studies. Breastmilk has some wonderful qualities. (Obviously, I believe breastmilk is worthy, as evidenced by the boobies that I offer up for sacrifice every 2-3 hours.) It's rare for baby to have complications from or allergies to breastmilk. (You know, apart from my lucky baby and his jaundice. Oh, the irony.) I worry a lot less about Loki getting my cold or Alan's pneumonia because of the antibodies he gets.
But breastfeeding has some real, serious cons in other departments, including and especially the bonding department. Let me note right up front that some families bond just fine while breastfeeding. And, honestly, in those families, BREASTFEEDING IS BEST. :) But in my family, breastfeeding definitely gets in the way of bonding. Now, if the health of my baby was the only consideration, why, I'd say breastfeeding was far superior to formula feeding. But the reality is that my child's social and emotional development is, in many ways, more important to me than my child's health.
Health matters, but I'm not force-feeding Ander veggies. I let him have peanut butter and jelly, but I insist on table manners. Why? Because once his basic health needs are taken care of (veggies are offered, he gets a vitamin, and candy is limited), his emotional needs matter most. I'd rather a pleasant lunch where Ander and I chit chat and make circles with the sandwich than that Ander eat his carrots.
Formula, for all it's downfalls, provides for basic health needs. At that point, bonding weighs heavier in the whether-to-breastfeed equation, at least in my mind. While breastfeeding, I cannot look Loki in the eye. (Mostly, that's attributable to my body shape.) We spend his awake hours feeding instead of me talking to him and interacting with him. His daddy cannot console him sometimes. Poor Ander gets a lot less interaction because feeding takes at least 20 minutes instead of 5 minutes, and leaves mommy drained and tired and hungry. I am really not complaining. I'm truly not. I'm choosing breastfeeding because, at this point, the health benefits outweigh the cons. But the cons are real.
As I realize just how real (and understated and underreported) the cons are, especially the bonding con (but many others not mentioned here), I'm finding myself MAD at the "breast is best" campaign. Yep, actually angry. The bottom line is that best is an opinion. It's a judgment that someone made. And I'm just not convinced that it's true for every baby and every family. So how dare society tell new moms and dads that they are doing something not best when they use formula, even when using formula means their baby is getting it's nutritional needs met, mommy and daddy are bonding with the baby, and the baby and other children are getting their emotional and social needs met, perhaps better than the needs are being met in my own breastfeeding family.
I've also heard again and again that wanting daddy to bond is just an excuse and daddy can bond just as well in other ways. Bull (in my humble opinion ;)). All Loki knows right now is food. All he wants is to eat. The measly one bottle Alan gets to feed Loki does not make Loki turn to daddy for love (translation in Loki speak: food) and attention (translation in Loki speak: food) and comfort (translation in Loki speak: food...LOL). Loki is missing out on something precious when Daddy cannot feed him.
I'm still deciding that breastfeeding is best...for my family. But the cons are real, serious, and important. I dare not decide what is best for your family. I've decided to speak out against those who try to convince you what is best, including government campaigns to make women breastfeed. Breastfeeding is best, except when it isn't. I've just expanded in my mind my personal definition of "when it isn't." And, this time, I'm not just annoyed. I'm pissed off that someone else...anyone else...thinks they should tell me what is best for my family.
Etcetera.
In my mind, "when it isn't" was a fairly limited category. I had a very serious infection and the doctor could not rule out breast cancer. I had a heart problem. I was unable to gain weight, even during pregnancy, and my body was literally fading away. "When it isn't" was clearly the category I fell into. I was annoyed by the "breast is best" campaign, because I felt like it marginalized women who truly should choose either donated breastmilk (which is expensive, difficult to get, and fraught with it's own set of potential costs and complications) or formula. Personally, I did not feel guilty. I made the best choice for my baby and my family. But I did feel like others either wanted to guilt me into breastfeeding or expected me to feel guilty because I was making what they would consider was the wrong choice. It's annoying when you think others, including real people, medical professions, the government with it's breastfeeding campaigns, and perfect strangers, are trying to guilt you into a particular position. Even if you don't feel guilty yourself, it's easy to get fed up with the whole thing.
Now I'm on the other side. I'm nursing my baby. I'm doing what is said to be "best." I'm following medical and government recommendations. You would think the "breast is best" campaign would make me feel empowered.
You would be wrong. :)
Actually, it makes me MAD this time (as opposed to the itty little annoyed of last time).
I've read the studies. Breastmilk has some wonderful qualities. (Obviously, I believe breastmilk is worthy, as evidenced by the boobies that I offer up for sacrifice every 2-3 hours.) It's rare for baby to have complications from or allergies to breastmilk. (You know, apart from my lucky baby and his jaundice. Oh, the irony.) I worry a lot less about Loki getting my cold or Alan's pneumonia because of the antibodies he gets.
But breastfeeding has some real, serious cons in other departments, including and especially the bonding department. Let me note right up front that some families bond just fine while breastfeeding. And, honestly, in those families, BREASTFEEDING IS BEST. :) But in my family, breastfeeding definitely gets in the way of bonding. Now, if the health of my baby was the only consideration, why, I'd say breastfeeding was far superior to formula feeding. But the reality is that my child's social and emotional development is, in many ways, more important to me than my child's health.
Health matters, but I'm not force-feeding Ander veggies. I let him have peanut butter and jelly, but I insist on table manners. Why? Because once his basic health needs are taken care of (veggies are offered, he gets a vitamin, and candy is limited), his emotional needs matter most. I'd rather a pleasant lunch where Ander and I chit chat and make circles with the sandwich than that Ander eat his carrots.
Formula, for all it's downfalls, provides for basic health needs. At that point, bonding weighs heavier in the whether-to-breastfeed equation, at least in my mind. While breastfeeding, I cannot look Loki in the eye. (Mostly, that's attributable to my body shape.) We spend his awake hours feeding instead of me talking to him and interacting with him. His daddy cannot console him sometimes. Poor Ander gets a lot less interaction because feeding takes at least 20 minutes instead of 5 minutes, and leaves mommy drained and tired and hungry. I am really not complaining. I'm truly not. I'm choosing breastfeeding because, at this point, the health benefits outweigh the cons. But the cons are real.
As I realize just how real (and understated and underreported) the cons are, especially the bonding con (but many others not mentioned here), I'm finding myself MAD at the "breast is best" campaign. Yep, actually angry. The bottom line is that best is an opinion. It's a judgment that someone made. And I'm just not convinced that it's true for every baby and every family. So how dare society tell new moms and dads that they are doing something not best when they use formula, even when using formula means their baby is getting it's nutritional needs met, mommy and daddy are bonding with the baby, and the baby and other children are getting their emotional and social needs met, perhaps better than the needs are being met in my own breastfeeding family.
I've also heard again and again that wanting daddy to bond is just an excuse and daddy can bond just as well in other ways. Bull (in my humble opinion ;)). All Loki knows right now is food. All he wants is to eat. The measly one bottle Alan gets to feed Loki does not make Loki turn to daddy for love (translation in Loki speak: food) and attention (translation in Loki speak: food) and comfort (translation in Loki speak: food...LOL). Loki is missing out on something precious when Daddy cannot feed him.
I'm still deciding that breastfeeding is best...for my family. But the cons are real, serious, and important. I dare not decide what is best for your family. I've decided to speak out against those who try to convince you what is best, including government campaigns to make women breastfeed. Breastfeeding is best, except when it isn't. I've just expanded in my mind my personal definition of "when it isn't." And, this time, I'm not just annoyed. I'm pissed off that someone else...anyone else...thinks they should tell me what is best for my family.
Etcetera.
In Memory
Britt is my age. Actually, she's a year older, so she is 34. My sixteen year old self would say that is old. But my current self thinks that is young - too young to lose your mother.
I met Ms. Tony (Toni?...I never really had to write her name) when I visited her home on my way to my juniors' graduation with my girlfriends. I probably met her before that, but that's the time that I remember. I remember knowing instantly where Ashley and Britt got their pizazz. I remember thinking that Ms. Tony instantly treated me like a daughter. I remember feeling at home.
Ms. Tony always said exactly what she meant. Her expectations were high, no matter the obstacles. Family was incredibly important to her.
Britt is too young to lose her mom. It's a sad day.
Etcetera.
I met Ms. Tony (Toni?...I never really had to write her name) when I visited her home on my way to my juniors' graduation with my girlfriends. I probably met her before that, but that's the time that I remember. I remember knowing instantly where Ashley and Britt got their pizazz. I remember thinking that Ms. Tony instantly treated me like a daughter. I remember feeling at home.
Ms. Tony always said exactly what she meant. Her expectations were high, no matter the obstacles. Family was incredibly important to her.
Britt is too young to lose her mom. It's a sad day.
Etcetera.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Race Relations
I've been reading a friend's blog that deals with race and gender. I've also been watching the election campaigns very closely. Mostly, race isn't on my mind. I worry a bit that Ander does not have a diverse enough group of friends, and I do what I can to not just expose him to white people, but beyond that, I don't think about race much. Except, now, it's on my mind a lot more.
So, yesterday, I tried to consciencely notice who I interact with. I have a big criminal case against an assistant district attorney. He is black. I went to the doctor. The doctor and the nurse practitioner were both black women. I went to dinner. All the servers and all the patrons were white. I went to the kickball game. Most people were white, but one person was of Asian descent and a few people were black.
I was glad to notice that people in power positions, like the doctor and the attorney, were black. But I am concerned that I self-select working with high achieving minorities. I didn't hire the doctor BECAUSE she was black, but I didn't consider for a moment NOT hiring her because she was black. I met her, I instantly loved her, and she became my doctor. I wonder if other white people in my area would have even considered her?
I was very disturbed that no one in the bar and grill I ate supper at was black. The food is good. The neighborhood straddles a mostly white upper middle class neighborhood, a mixed middle class neighborhood, and a poor black neighborhood. I've never seen any clues of racism at the restaurant. But all the people were white. It raises my eyebrow. Are black people self-selecting out? Is there some underlying racism there? I truly do not know.
Anyway, I plan to actively notice the race of the people I interact with in the next few weeks. Maybe I'll get some insight and awareness.
Etcetera.
So, yesterday, I tried to consciencely notice who I interact with. I have a big criminal case against an assistant district attorney. He is black. I went to the doctor. The doctor and the nurse practitioner were both black women. I went to dinner. All the servers and all the patrons were white. I went to the kickball game. Most people were white, but one person was of Asian descent and a few people were black.
I was glad to notice that people in power positions, like the doctor and the attorney, were black. But I am concerned that I self-select working with high achieving minorities. I didn't hire the doctor BECAUSE she was black, but I didn't consider for a moment NOT hiring her because she was black. I met her, I instantly loved her, and she became my doctor. I wonder if other white people in my area would have even considered her?
I was very disturbed that no one in the bar and grill I ate supper at was black. The food is good. The neighborhood straddles a mostly white upper middle class neighborhood, a mixed middle class neighborhood, and a poor black neighborhood. I've never seen any clues of racism at the restaurant. But all the people were white. It raises my eyebrow. Are black people self-selecting out? Is there some underlying racism there? I truly do not know.
Anyway, I plan to actively notice the race of the people I interact with in the next few weeks. Maybe I'll get some insight and awareness.
Etcetera.